I Should've Known
by armless-phelan
Summary: Summary: Rinoa’s thoughts and feelings upon finding Squall in bed with another man. Very angsty. Oneshot.


I Should've Known

I should've known. How many nights did I fall asleep in his arms, smelling something foreign on his sheets? Not perfume. Sweat. I would smell sweat and wonder just what he could've done to make his bed smell so. But I was just fooling myself. I knew how he smelled, still do. Each person has his or her own scent, Dr. Kadowaki told me that. Squall smelled like leather and pinecones. I don't know how, he just did. But this other smell, it wasn't Squall. It was like gunpowder. That's the only word I can use to describe it. Just how long did I fool myself?

There were other signs, too. He would be tired every night, too tired to do anything. We never made love, never fooled around. Do normal teenage guys act like that? I wouldn't know, because the only other guy I was with like that… well, you wouldn't want to hear about that, would you? No, I'm talking about Squall. My Squall. Not my Squall anymore. I don't want him, like he never wanted me.

Have you ever had your heart break into a thousand tiny shards that fall and shred your soul? It's not pretty. Yet, there comes a peace with it, with knowing that you're not the one with the problem. It's him, always has been, always will be. I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn't love him enough. Who am I kidding? I loved him so much that I overlooked the obvious. Now all I am is the fool. It isn't fun being the fool. The things people say behind your back while you are blissfully, willingly ignorant. Looking back, I wonder how I didn't know. The signs were there, the pieces of the puzzle. They just needed to be put together, and he did that on his own.

Getting over this. How does one do it? Is there a support group? Has this ever happened, or am I the first? It's happened before; I know it has. It's happened to me before. That's another story. An old, forgotten story that should be left in the dark, dusty crevices of my mind. There is no need for me to emotionally kill myself again. And again. And again. Why did… why does… this happen to me? Am I an evil person? Did I do something wrong in life that makes me completely unlovable? Do I break every man I fall for, or do I just fall for those who are already broken? So many questions. No answers. He might have the answers. Squall. But I can't talk to him. Not now. Maybe not ever again. I hope he doesn't try to comfort me. That's the last thing I need. A good cry, that's it. I need a good cry.

But I'm already crying. When did I start crying? Hyne, don't let him come near me. I'm afraid I may kill him, kill myself. He should've just told me, because then I wouldn't be going through this right now. I wouldn't feel the need to take that precious gunblade of his and stab him in the heart, like he did me. Did he think I'd never find out? Did he think I was that stupid? Does he still think I am? That I'll take him back? I don't want to, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to walk away. Why am I still standing here? Why won't my feet listen to what my brain is saying?

I remember flirting with him that first night, at the SeeD party. I told him he would like me. I told him he would like me! I told him he would like me? Why did I do it? I could have had any man I wanted. I still can. Then why do I still want him? It's me. I'm broken. I'm broken, and he's the one who broke me. Just now, with those widening eyes. Damn those eyes! I would stare in them forever, trying to see what he was hiding. See if I could find myself somewhere in there. Well, I finally found what he was hiding, and it wasn't me. It never was. Why did he do this to me? Why me? Why not Quistis? Or Selphie? Xu? The Card Queen? Out of every girl in the world, why me?

Squall. Squall Leonhart. Griever. Irony. I'm the one grieving now. Grieving for the Squall Leonhart I knew. The Squall Leonhart I fell in love with. But could you call what we had love? He didn't love me. I don't think he ever could. I wonder if he even tried, or if I was just some pawn. Did I fool anyone? Was I good at being your shield, Squall? Did I protect you from… what was I protecting you from? I did nothing to deserve this. Nothing! Right? I mean, I am a good person. I saved the world. With him. With Squall. Damn, why is it always out of luck Rinoa?

Does the world hate me? The universe? Everything hates me. Quistis hated me for taking away Squall. Hah! She can have him, not that he'd ever want her. She doesn't realize how lucky she is to not be the one going through this. I almost let myself be frozen by Esthar for him. I was strapped to another frickin' Sorceress for him. Does he appreciate it? Did he save me out of some sick sense of loyalty, or for show? Is that all I am to him? A show dog. A little poodle he could manipulate with some treats and promises that could never come true? I can't believe I'm letting him do this to me. I used to be proud. I'm Rinoa Heartilly.

This isn't right. Things aren't supposed to end like this. He is… he was… my Knight. He was supposed to be dedicated to me. Love me. Damn it, why won't you love me Squall? Why can't you love me? Was I just some hideous monster you felt you had to conquer? Please tell me I'm not a monster. Please. Just don't. I can't take it. I gave everything up for you! The Forest Owls. My father. Everything was for you. I left it all behind because you asked me to be with you. How can you do that? Don't you feel any remorse? I hate you! I hate you, Squall Leonhart. But I still love you. I can't stop loving you. You won't let me. Why won't you let me? Stop stringing me along! You've already hit me in the face with this, stop making excuses! But you're not, are you? You're just lying there, looking up at me guiltily. I'm making the excuses for you. Aren't I? What's wrong with me? Hyne, what's wrong with me?

Rinoa. Rinoa Heartilly. Rinoa Caraway. Rinoa Heartily Caraway. Rinoa Heartilly Caraway Leonhart. Rinoa Caraway Leonhart. Rinoa Heartilly Leonhart. Rinoa Leonhart. That's what I am, what I could have been. Why couldn't you be honest? Why couldn't you tell me the truth and spare us this moment of absolute agony? Or is it just me that's being torn up inside? You. You just can't feel. You've had a lot of years of practice of closing yourself off. Is this why? Did you only open up to me to use me? Did you even open up at all? Damn you! Damn you! I'm still crying, Squall. I AM STILL CRYING! Don't you care? Did you ever care? About me?

No. I don't think you did. How could you? Sitting there, looking smug with your arm around my shoulder. Guess you won't be doing that anymore, huh? No, I won't let you. I won't let you use Quistis either. Not like you used me. I don't know if I'll say anything, but you're through. Finished. Done. I'm out of here. Damn feet, MOVE! Why won't you move? Please, get me out of here. I can't take it anymore. Please. Please? Get me as far away from this place as you can. Move! Please… I'm begging you…

I can't do it. My body won't listen to my head or my heart. You still own me, Squall. I hate you! I hate you! Even though I still love you, I hate you with everything I have. I love you with everything I have. Hyne, I want to die. Anything to get this ache out of my soul. Why this, Squall? Anything but this. How do you fix this? Is anything even broken? Anything other than me?

Happiness. How many times did you promise me that? You looked happy when I came in here. I never made you that happy. I tried. I thought I had. I never made you that happy. Is this where your happiness comes from, Squall? Is this why I couldn't make you happy?

Why didn't you tell me, and save us both this moment of pure agony? Remember that night at FH, when the others were in the band? You could have told me then, rather than make me fall in love with you. Or on the Ragnarok. Those things you said. They were all lies. Why lie to me? Did it make you happy? Of course not. That's why we're here. That's why I'm crying, standing here like the fool you turned me into. It's all on you Squall. Are you happy now? Was it worth it? Was I worth it?

Damn you, Squall. Damn, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you need.

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A/N: I know, I said it was angsty, and I delivered. I wanted to capture the random repetition of the thoughts that goes through a person's mind when their whole world falls apart. I hope I have. It felt like I had. Anyone who's been there probably knows what I was trying to do, and what it took for me to get there. Everyone who has felt like this, I'm sorry. And for those who haven't, I hope you never do. Wow, look at me, I'm turning into Rinoa. I'm going to stop now before I start crying. (Again.)


End file.
